Remmick-Hubert Special Page - Lodi Union High School, Class of 1960-Newsletter
Vol.11: 25 Nov 2003-
Page 5
The following artilces are the opinons of the authors and does not give the opinon of other in the Class of 1960.
All from Michael Johns
Squeeze the lemon!
The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button.
He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet." Even the hillbilly chick burst into laughter.
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What did you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter,or what
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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- Gynecologist Changes Careers
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic.
So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he could. When time for the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the tail pipe..."
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A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
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A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."
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A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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- Hospital Tips
* Before entering a hospital for treatment, weigh your holistic health-care options against your wish to actually get better.
* If you have a wok at home, it's a good idea to get some bedpan practice before the pressure is on.
* Some drugs react violently with alcohol; some don't. Ask around.
* If you are going to the hospital for treatment of a severed limb, remember to bring the limb.
* Bring your regular medications with you to the hospital. God only knows where the hospital finds theirs.
* Read a couple of Newsweek articles about your condition. This information will allow you to second-guess your doctor's every move.
* Be forewarned: Hospitals apply a vast mark-up to the items in the in-room minibars.
* Wear clothing that is loose-fitting and comfortable, yet appropriate to bleed in.
* If you behave like a brave little soldier, you may be offered ice cream.
* Whatever you do, don't check into any facility called "General Hospital." That place is full of back-stabbing, narcissistic lunatics.
* Pack several extra pairs of slippers. Slippers in the hospital are like cigarettes in prison.
* Before knocking out an intern and stealing his uniform, make sure he's your size.
* Many patients complain that hospitals cut their stay short. Don't be coerced into signing out until you're dilated to 10 cm and the baby's head can be seen.
* Bring $500 in fives to "grease the wheels," if you get my meaning. The good mashed potatoes.
* If bruised, find a hospital known to have a good bruise ward.
* Keep in mind that, today, many procedures can be performed on an outpatient basis. Some can even be done outside.
* When you arrive at your hospital room, decide which item you'd be willing to accept as the final thing you see on this earth.
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Old Favorite Songs:
Some of your old favorites havere-released their greatest hits with new lyrics to accommodate Senior audiences.
"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
--Herman's Hermits--
"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
--Paul Simon--
"You're So Varicose Vein"
--Carly Simon--
"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
--The Bee Gees--
"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
--Roberta Flack--
"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
--The Temptations--
"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
--The Rolling Stones--
"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
--Nancy Sinatra--
"Denture Queen"
--ABBA--
"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
--Leo Sayer--
"Once! , Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
--Commodores--
"A Whiter Shade of Hair"
--Procol Harem--
"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
--The Beatles--
"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
--Marvin Gaye--
"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
--The Who--
"Bad Prune a-Rising"
--Credence Clearwater Revival--
"I Can't See Clearly Now"
--Johnny Nash--
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The List
The most destructive habit........................................Worry
The greatest Joy........................................................Giving
The greatest loss...........................................Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work..........................................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait.......................................Selfishness
The most endangered species...........................Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource..................................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm".............................Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome........................Fear
The most effective sleeping pill...............................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease...........................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..................................Love
The most dangerous pariah......................................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.....................The brain
The worst thing to be without.... ..................... .Hope
The deadliest weapon.............................................The tongue
The two most power-filled words............................."I Can"
The greatest asset...................................................Faith
The most worthless emotion....................................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire............................................SMILE!
The most prized possession......................... .........Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication........Prayer
The most contagious spirit........................................Enthusiasm
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Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman.........neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
(a) The ones that learn by reading.
(b) The few who learn by observation.
(c) The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. THE MORAL: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
NOW ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called GOLF.
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
......that's all folks..
Index Page: Senior Year
Index Page: Class of 1960